It has been quite some time since my last ‘blog’ posting.  During these  months I have learned a lot, both from excellent books and in conversation with many of you.  You shared your concerns, fears and stress as the parent of a teen and allowed me to coach you on how to understand and respond to these important, surprising and complex issues in a new way.  You changed in both your understanding and your parenting and, as a result, some positive changes happened in your relationships.

Many thanks for all I have learned from you about courage and communication.And the power of love and acceptance.  And clarity and strength.

I am thinking about you, now, as a new school year begins and there is so much happening in our world.  I recently remembered a wonderful book written almost 20 years ago titled, “All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten.”  Robert Fulghum, the author, was a local minister at a Unitarian Church and he wrote, in a thoughtful and playful way, about the basics of sharing, being kind, not cutting in line etc. and how they are the foundation for happy, healthy relationships, even in our adult world.  Similarly, there are many times throughout the week when I hear myself say, “this is just like parenting teenagers…….”

So, I have decided to do some writing about this and see if it resonates with all of you.

The assumption required here is that, AS YOU PARENT YOUR TEEN (and this continues to be true as I parent my 3 young adults), YOU ARE LEARNING.  You are open to learning,  know it’s necessary to keep learning and you understand you will have more empathy for your teen, who you expect to learn a lot, if you are also engaged in the learning process.

Here is why….learning requires a willingness to be open and vulnerable in a way that might be uncomfortable.  This is true if you take a math class or a cooking class and it is true when you parent.  Especially a teen

Just to say this in a different way……you expect your teen to be learning a lot.  Academically, socially, emotionally.  This is awkward and uncomfortable, in some ways, for most kids.  It requires that they experience feelings and consequences and situations they have no idea how to handle.

As a parent, you will be able to understand, empathize and, eventually, influence your child more, if you are also aware of how awkward and uncomfortable you feel in some aspects of this leg of your journey.  If you don’t feel vulnerable and out of your comfort zone, at least some of the time, it will be hard to ‘be there’ for your teen.

In the coming days and weeks I hope to share with you some specific examples of how this looks in everyday life.  I want to encourage you to see yourself as a learner…….and to know that, just when you are most frustrated having the same fight with your teen for the 40^th time and wishing he could just “get it”, is often the time when YOU need to learn the most.

Here’s the best part…..if you are willing to learn a new approach to an old problem, you are way more likely to get what you want.  No more fight.  You changed.  Your teen learns something new.

Stay in touch.  Be well.  Lori

We will talk about whatever issues you are most concerned about.

Together we will learn how to respond to each situation (and the fear, anger, confusion, stress, sadness that you feel about it) combining a rational thought process (head), a feeling of connection to the child you love (heart),  and the skills and confidence to communicate everything that is important to you, clearly and respectfully (voice).

I look forward to seeing you soon.  Stay in touch.  Be well.  Lori

She works with the California based organization:

“CHALLENGE SUCCESS: Championing a Broader Vision of Success for Youth”

There is a lot of useful information on their webpage and I would summarize their mission/ work as follows:

Challenge Success does research that seeks to understand and measure the impact of increasing academic/ performance pressure on our youth. They work directly with students, parents and schools to teach about the negative effects these increasingly high demands are having on our kids, and to suggest solutions for each community, based on their particular needs.  www.challengesuccess.org

The primary concern of challenge success is that many students are not developing their whole person (character, health, independence, connection, creativity, enthusiasm and achievement) or allowed the experience of ‘self discovery’ because they are singularly focused on academic and intellectual pursuits to the exclusion of their social, physical and spiritual development.

Here are the research findings I found most meaningful:

PARENTS MATTER

• A parent’s perception about their child’s ability is more important to the child than their actual performance (grades, test scores)
• A parent’s goals for their child and their parenting style strongly correlate to how the child develops related to academics, motivation, self reliance, sense of competence and emotional well being
• If parents are primarily focused on their child’s performance (grades, test scores, status of college choice, ranking in sports, music or other extracurricular activities), their child is at higher risk for depression, acting out, and stress related physical symptoms (headaches, fatigue, illness)
• If parents overemphasize achievement your child is less likely to develop the skills/ desire to take risks or be persistent in pursuit of a goal and they are more likely to cheat, fear failure, have anxiety and may actually have poorer academic performance

PERFORMANCE STRESS

Statistics:

In a survey of 5000 high school students done by Challenge Success:

• 73% said they were always stressed
• 25% said they feel hopeless, sad and don’t care anymore
• 30% get less than 6 hours of sleep per night (9.25 is recommended)
• 70% go to class and pay attention
• 13% said they get any enjoyment from what they are learning
• 93% admit to cheating

Symptoms

The most common symptoms are:

• Fatigue
• Anxiety
• Depression
• Headaches
• Cheating
• Smart kids doing poorly in school

WHAT STUDENTS SAY

“The 3 things that stress me out the most are :

• my parent’s expectations,
• overload in my class schedule/ extracurricular activities
• college application/ selection process”

“I feel like a robot.  All I do is what other people want me to do.”

“Everyone is smarter than me.  I got a 96 on the test but my friend got 102.”

“I don’t have time to see my friends anymore.  I have too much to do.”

“I have no downtime.”

“I have to cheat because everyone else does.  If I don’t I can’t compete.”

“I am always tired.  I never get enough sleep.”

“If I don’t get an A in this class, I’ll never get into medical school.”

“I feel like I am my parent’s trophy kid.”

“I am afraid to make this decision.  What if it is the wrong choice?”

WHAT ARE THE GOALS & HOW PARENTS CAN HELP

These are my THOUGHTS/ WORDS/ BELIEFS based on my experience raising 3 teens (and some of their friends), what I have learned through the parents I coach, several books on this topic by other researchers and the information and ideas shared by the presenter.

GOALS

In moving away from home and parents, the best prepared kids will have the ability to:

• Motivate themselves to achieve what they want.  They will work hard at what they have decided is important. This either will or will not match what their parents think is important.

• Successfully live without their parents.  This means they need to know how to take care of themselves, manage money, have relationships with peers, be able to make independent decisions and be able to manage their stress (disappointments, change, pressure, loneliness) in healthy ways.

• Make mistakes and recover from them.  Since it will be almost impossible to live a mistake free life, learning  to take responsibility and be accountable for one’s actions is one of the secrets to a less stressful, more satisfying life.

• Know that there are many paths to success, just as there are many different, equally valid, definitions of success.  Kids who have confidence and know themselves are better able to know what they want and follow their passions.

• Maintain perspective about what matters and what does not. College students who can differentiate between small stressors vs. really big ones will have less stress and more confidence. Students who learn that a disappointing grade on one test does not ruin their chances for medical school will be both happier and better able to figure out what they can do to make up for that lower grade.

PARENT’S CAN HELP

• Parents can allow their child to define their own goals and develop their own motivation to accomplish those goals.  Kids who live to please their parents, also live in fear of their parents disapproval, which leads them to try harder (or give up completely) to earn their parent’s praise.  These kids are likely to feel loved for their accomplishments rather than for themselves.  This external focus keeps the teen from learning about what is important to them and what they are willing to work hard for.

• Teenagers need their parents to be their coach and their consultant, not their manager. They need to acquire enough life experience to understand how to be a good friend and how to choose a good friend.  They need parents to allow them to spend money foolishly so they can learn to spend it wisely (this might mean sometimes they are broke and can’t get a new pair of jeans or go to the movies, and their parent does not give them the money to make this disappointment go away).  Kids need parents to model stress management in ways they would be proud to see replicated in their children. They need some decision making experience before they leave home.  My dad says “good judgment comes from bad experiences that usually came from bad judgment.” So parents can allow their children to make some bad decisions that lead to some bad experiences, with the confidence that this is the path to good judgment, eventually.

• Parents who bail their children out of difficult situations (everything from doing their class project at the last minute to not expecting them to confess to a crime they committed) deprive them of the experience and wisdom that comes from managing the impact of their behavior on others.  Kids are strongest when parents have confidence in their ability to clean up their own messes.  These are the situations that teach kids to apologize, to make amends for any wrongdoing, to learn that they can get caught and that they make choices about how they want to live their lives.

• Parents can set a high bar for excellence while also helping their student create a more balanced life.  Lots of kids have high expectations of themselves but when a parent hears their child say, “I don’t have time to see my friends because I have too much school work or too many extracurricular activities” that should be a red flag that their child’s life is out of balance.  This is such a perfect example of watching a child miss a key developmental task of adolescence…learning to make and keep friends.  Most parents have just the opposite problem and their children are singularly focused on their friends, to the detriment of their schoolwork.  In either case, the parent has a chance to help their child develop perspective and manage their stress in a healthy way.  Kids get to know themselves through their relationships with others, and their connections with friends are critical to this process.  They may have a narrow definition of what success looks like and the price they are paying to achieve it is too high.  Parents can help them see alternatives.

These are complex issues, just barely covered here.  If you are interested in more information or to talk about your specific child, feel free to contact me.

What do I mean by judgment? The best way I know how to describe it is that the message communicated is “you are not good enough” or “you need to change” or “you are bad.”  The result is usually a desire, on the part of your teen (or most of us for that matter) to fight back in defense of one’s self or to retreat into self doubt or self loathing.

The lives of teens are filled with judgments of themselves…all day long they are trying to psych out where they fit in, if they are cool enough, have the right stuff or language or walk or clothes (the list is endless).  So, if we use a tone of voice that is condemning, even if it does seem fully justified, the teen brain will fire up and start to spin.  There will be very little chance that your message, your concern, your desire to understand the situation will get “heard.”  There will be almost no chance for learning from whatever happened because your teen will have either left the room in anger or feel so low and bad about themselves it will be tough to reach them and get them to believe it is a mistake they made and not the end of the world.

One mom said, “but our kids know by the age of 13 what we think is right and wrong.  So, if my daughter cheats on a test, surely she knows we are going to be very unhappy with her.”  Absolutely!!  Our kids do know, hopefully, what our values are but that does not mean they aren’t going to push up against them and challenge them or just need to see for themselves if cheating is a good or bad idea.

This is being a teen…pushing up against your parent’s point of view.

And this is being the parent of a teen….finding a way to constructively hold to your values and influence your child to take them on as their own.

Let’s look at this example specifically:

You get the phone call from the school saying your child has been caught cheating.  The school has their consequences, hopefully, and now it is your turn to respond.  What are your choices?

You wait for your child to come home and when she walks through the door, you are really mad and all your body language shows it.  Your child takes one look at you and knows she is seriously going to suffer here.  You might say, “What have you got to say for yourself?” or “Wow, you are the last person I ever thought would cheat.  What were you thinking?” or “I am so ashamed of you” or “I told you that you didn’t get enough sleep or study enough for this test.  No wonder you felt like you had to cheat.”

Your tone is sharp and it has the sound of condemnation.  Can you hear that?

Consider a different conversation.  Even if you feel all of what is expressed above, it is still possible to talk with your child in a more constructive way about the situation.

You wait for your child to come home and when she walks through the door you are there to meet her.  You may be angry but you do not act from that anger.  Instead, you are curious about what happened.  You see this as one of those “teachable moments” where you have a chance to learn about your child and the world they are living in.  Your daughter may come in with a very guilty and sorry look or she may come in swinging, telling you all the reasons she was treated unfairly today.

In either case, you let her know that this is a serious issue and you want to understand, from her point of view, what happened?  It is likely she won’t go on and on about her state of mind, but if you sit quietly and listen, you may learn something.  You might also get her feelings about whatever consequences she will face from the school.  You can help her think through how she is going to deal with them.  There is no need to lecture or remind her that “this family does not cheat”….she has had real life experience with getting caught.  This makes your job easier and allows you to say, “I hope this experience helps you make better decisions in the future.”

This is what it’s all about:  your child learns from her mistake and makes a better choice in the future.  Isn’t that how we learned to make good decisions for ourselves?

The important pieces here are:

• You do not freak out.
• You do not preach about right and wrong.
• You stay calm and ask your child to help you understand.
• You might even empathize with the punishment they face at school.  It could alter their GPA or take them out of a school activity and you can genuinely feel bad for your daughter, even though you support the school’s decision.
• You may decide to impose consequences of your own.  Fine, especially if you do it without a big fight and lots of drama.  Just do it and know that this is your choice and no need to imagine your child will be happy with it.  Why would she be?  But this is your decision.
• You are not condemning your child as if she has shamed the family.  It is not really about the family.  It is about your daughter learning about how the world works and what it feels like to get caught.  Chances are this experience will help her make better future decisions in other areas of her life.
• Finally, if your child is defiant, pissed off or refuses to engage with you about the cheating, this is not OK either (in my humble opinion).  You are looking for some remorse, some learning and some sign that your daughter understands what she did is wrong.  If it was my child, I would make this conversation and attitude adjustment a condition of future privileges.  I am not judging my child as in “you are so irresponsible and dishonest” but I am saying to my child, “this is so important and is a reflection of your ability to use good judgment that, until I see that you understand what you have done, you will not have all the privileges you are used to.”  You may decide to take away the laptop or phone or car.  Whatever you decide, you can communicate in a constructive way and leave the door open for future conversation.  You want to let her know you believe she is capable of understanding this and you expect that she will.

Let me know how it goes.  These are complicated issues and parenting through them is not simple.  Next time you feel like judging your child, remember what it feels like when others judge you.  Try and turn that around and imagine what would have helped you grow and change and then try a dose of that.

Mixed with a lot of LOVE.  Of course.

Good Luck.  Stay in touch.

Lori

I have talked to several parents, just in the last month, that are struggling with how to help their son or daughter deal with their changing skin condition.  Each parent said something like this, “My son/ daughter just recently got acne and s/he is not doing anything to take care of it.  When I offered to help, my kid freaked out.  I just want to take him/her to the drugstore and/ or dermatologist so they can learn how to take care of their skin”

This is so reasonable. Each of these moms sees a ‘problem’ they believe their child needs help with. They know there are products and information and experts out there and they want to share these resources with their son/ daughter.

What could be more loving than that? And if it is so loving (which I think it is), why is the message getting such a hot tempered, emotional, crazy and negative reaction from all these kids?

Here is what I think is going on:

• Teens do not want to talk with their parents about anything that has to do with their body
• Teens especially don’t want to talk about body issues that are making them feel like crap about themselves (and probably makes them feel alien to themselves because this came on so quickly and their looks are changing and they have no idea how to deal with this)
• Our offers to help have to do with setting up a plan to manage their changing skin and learning how to take care of it over the next few months so there won’t be scarring or continue to get worse.  Remember that teens think about 7 minutes ahead of the moment they are currently in.  Their reality is “I don’t want to go to school with this huge zit.  I am a freak.  No one will want to be seen with me.”  They are not thinking about “learning” or “prevention”.  They are not thinking about “creating a plan.”  They don’t plan.  They are in the moment and it feels like social life and death (really). So the intended message (as loving and smart as it is) just does not get through
• Just bringing up this subject, and offerring to, help can feel to your child like “you are trying to criticize and control me.”  Most teens don’t like that.

So here is the deal……you have a perfect opportunity to:

PARENT AS A CONSULTANT (not a manager)

WHAT TO DO:

Try on these BELIEFS about your child’s acne (because what you DO and what you SAY will follow your thinking):

• THIS IS NOT A HEALTH AND SAFETY ISSUE (it has to do with their overall well being but it will not lead to death,  injury, or permanent damage to self or others, which is the new definition of health and safety for parenting your teen)
• THIS IS YOUR CHILD’S BODY AND, ULTIMATELY, UP TO HIM/ HER HOW TO HANDLE THEIR SKIN (think about it this way; even if you wanted to, you cannot force your child to go to the dermatologist and follow their recommendations)
• YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR CHILD IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN THE ISSUE OF THEIR ACNE (the acne is a short term issue, the relationship is forever, and you don’t want this to become a barrier between you)

WHAT TO SAY: (or write in a letter if this would be easier for your child):

“Peter, I know this is not really any of my business, but I just want you to know that if you want to do anything about your acne, which I had at your age and millions of kids have and I know it can be a real drag, I am happy to take you to the drugstore to look at products or make an appointment with a dermatologist.  It is totally up to you and I will leave this in your hands.  Let me know if there is anything you want me to do.”

Then leave it alone. Let your child manage this.  Seriously, you cannot bring this up again.  Be patient and see what your child does.

If your teen gets pissed off that you brought this topic up, I would very calmly say, “I know this is a totally weird and awkward conversation to have with your mom/ dad.  I hated it when my mom talked to me about stuff to do with my body.  But, no need to be rude, I am just trying to help.  But this is now up to you and you are in charge of whatever happens next.”

Then walk away. Do not hang around for a negative interaction.  Give your child the freedom to process this in whatever way s/he needs to.  It will probably be at least a few days before you hear back from them. It may be sooner or it may be never.

Your child may get the help they need from their friends or they may decide not to deal with their skin at all.  Either choice has to be OK with you.  Of course, if you see your child’s skin getting worse and they are slipping into a funk or becoming isolated, you will want to address it. But you are addressing it because you have a different concern, one that is more serious than just managing acne.

One last thought…..this issue (having ‘bad’ skin) could trigger old feelings from your own adolescence and you may experience a stronger than normal desire to “fix this” for your child.  If you struggled with acne as a teen, felt bad about yourself because of it and wished your parents had offered to help you deal with it, be extra careful how you approach your child.  It is easy to project the “you are not OK” message when the issue is something you have a lot of your own feelings about.

For parents acne is a technical problem that can be fixed.

To our kids it represents identity, popularity, acceptance and status.

Or they could care less about it.

Maybe they already know “it’s what’s on the inside that counts.”

Good Luck.  Stay in touch.

Lori

I was ashamed of myself.  Why did I have to make that comment?  Why would I take ‘credit’ for his good manners when he probably accomplished this in the last few years, working in restaurants, serving the public and learning what it feels like to be on the other side of the counter.  I felt bad that I had said this.

A few minutes later we were driving to the trailhead.  I told Sam about the compliment the woman paid him.  He listened without saying much.  After awhile I asked, “Do you think you learned to be so polite because of all your restaurant experience?”  He looked at me with the more mature (no hostility but still incredulous) version of the look that says ‘are you crazy’?  Then he said, “Nooooo, I learned it from all those years of you pounding it into me.”

Ahhhhhhh (a mother almost forgiven)!

Why am I telling you this story now?

Because it illustrates a concern that many parents have expressed to me lately.  These concerns fall under the heading of REPETITION & INCONSISTENCY. Parents are confused and disappointed that they have to remind their kids of the same things repeatedly.  They wonder what they are doing wrong that their child has not figured out how to do what they’ve been asked to do 1,000 times.  When this line of thinking fails, they wonder if there is something wrong with their child.

What is the real issue?

These loving, smart, savvy parents (that’s you) want to understand why they should have to REPEAT the same request over and over again?  Why is their child so thoughtful and appreciative when visiting a friend’s house but can’t manage a please or thank you at home?  Why is their daughter pleasant to be around only when she wants something?  How can their son manage to save money for the things that are important to him but not for the things he needs?

As parents we resent that our very intelligent sons and daughters are INCONSISTENT with their affection, their ability to speak to us in a respectful manner, their willingness to talk to us at all, to bring friends over, to help around the house, to remember to clean up after themselves or do their homework without being nagged.

We are all trying to figure it out.

Is it disrespect, self centeredness, not listening, not caring, immaturity?

Yes, yes, yes, yes and yes.  Maybe.  And it doesn’t really matter “why.”

It’s normal and probably not going to change for awhile.

But don’t despair.  My story about Sam (which could have been about his sisters too) is meant to give you hope that your persistence and insistence will pay off.

Whatever is most important to you that your child learn (for me it was respect and accountability), please pace yourself for the effort that this will take.

In addition, I want you to try to change your expectations just a bit.  If you can shift your thinking about these issues, it will be less stressful for you and more effective with your child.

THE SHIFT:  EXPECT REPETITION & INCONSISTENCY

Kids don’t know that learning to manage their feelings, be kind to others, take responsibility for their actions and find solutions to their problems is what they need to learn while they are in the 6^th – 12^th grades.  They think their assignment is to fit in, be cool, dress like everyone else or just the opposite, think their parents are freaks, that homework is stupid, that no one understands them and that they are terribly unique.  And they are right.  And so are you.

When you EXPECT REPETITION & INCONSISTENCY it doesn’t mean you will enjoy sounding like a broken record.  And it doesn’t mean that you won’t say to your child, “You know, you have not managed to say please or thank you, once this week, without being reminded.  This is getting really old for me and I am not likely to want to do you any big favors unless you can work this into your vocabulary.”

When you EXPECT REPETITION & INCONSISTENCY,  you are spared some  of the irritation, resentment, desire to lash out, raise your voice and say something destructive to your child.

Instead, you can repeat to yourself (over and over),

“This is my job while I am parenting a teen.  I am wiling to remind my child to say please and thank you, to speak in a respectful manner and take responsibility for their actions 1,000,000 times because it is so important to me.”

Learning to accept that this is what it takes to raise a thoughtful adult will help you manage your stress and allow you to see your child as normal, rather than apathetic or vindictive.

When I thought about what Sam said to me about ‘pounding it into him’ year after year, I had to laugh.  All I could think was, “Yup, that’s how my parents did it to me.”

And I am glad they did!

WHAT’S A PERSON HAVE TO DO TO GET FIRED AROUND HERE?

One of the things I loved about having kids at home (ours are all living in their college towns) was the fun I had looking for “teachable moments” that occurred all around, in everyday life.

It was not hard to find a story about a coworker or a relative, a national politician or one of their friends that provided hands on teaching about some of the basics we wanted our children to learn while they were growing up. The “teaching” usually had to do with dealing with the consequences of bad choices, understanding what “taking responsibility for yourself” looks like, realizing that sad and bad things happen to good people, what impact being mean and unkind can have on people and the converse of each of these, as well.

It didn’t really matter if the kids were interested, per se, although it was fun when they were younger and so much more likely to find their Mom entertaining or, at least, worth listening to. But their slight indifference did not stop me from speaking my mind about issues of importance.

So, now, in the immediate aftermath of Governor Mark Sanford’s disgracing himself before the nation, I am imagining the conversation at the dinner table (or driving in the car) and wishing I had some young ears to listen.

I would not be talking about his extramarital affair and the shameful way he is rambling on about his soul mate and trying to fall in love again with his wife. This is ridiculous and between he and his family (who I very much hope will hold him accountable for his behavior).

No, I would be addressing the 2 things he did, as an employee of the State of South Carolina, that would get most other employees in this country fired, Right Now!!

First, he abandoned his post. Literally, he just didn’t show up for work and did not tell anyone how to reach him. In my experience, 3 days is the maximum time one can just ‘not show up’ and still have a prayer of keeping their job. This Governor was gone 5 or 6 days. I mean, what if something had happened that needed immediate attention by the Governor?

Secondly, he stole money from his employer. This is not complicated. If you use the company credit card (or someone else’s money without their permission) for a personal adventure, it is theft. No one cares if you are going to pay it back. We are past that!! And, as we used to say to the children, “that choice is no longer available to you.”

The “teachable moments” would be to point out the connections between what Governor Sanford did and what is expected of the kids (age 5 and up)…everyday. They need to go to school (show up for their job) and let parents or others know where they are in case they need to be reached. Should they not follow through on these expectations, consequences happen. Even more obvious is that they cannot steal from people, even if they offer to repay them after they are caught. Again, consequences will happen.

I would then invite my kids (and now yours) to follow this story to see what does happen to a grownup (at least in years) in the public eye and whether or not consequences happen to him. For the sake of our children, I certainly hope so.

OK, here’s the new way:

#1, Decide not to resent your child.  This means you take full responsibility for your feelings of resentment and don’t blame your child. 

#2, Learn to recognize when you feel resentful.  Don’t try and rationalize, minimize or judge these feelings.  This is your early warning sign, PAY ATTENTION and decide how you want to respond.

#3, Figure out what is going on to trigger the resentment.  Has your child not thanked you?  Have you been on the receiving end of tone, name calling or eyeball rolling…all meant to convey that you are weird, a freak, stupid?  Did you say yes, when you really felt no?

#4, Choose your response.  It should be honest, respectful and concrete so your child knows exactly what you are unhappy about.  Let them know how you feel and what you need from them, if anything, to make things right again.

Your conversation could go something like this:

“OK, I have now spent the last 3 hours doing things for you.  I started the day happy to help and looking forward to spending a little time together and making your life easier.  I know you have had alot of stress lately.  But right now I am starting to feel taken advantage of.  You have not said thank you even once and you speak to me like I’m dirt.  So, I realize that you have several more things on your list you need help with, but for now I am done.  I am going to do some things that I need to take care of, spend a little time with the other kids, read a book, make lunch for myself.  I need you to think about this and let me know when you are ready to let me know how this might have gone differently.  I am not going to do things for you when I am resentful.  That is a committment I have made to myself.  Good luck getting the rest of your project finished.” 

This is not a time for arguing or tolerating more verbal abuse (I know that’s a strong word, but it’s true).  If your child can talk calmly with you, then great.  If they are defensive and wanting to fight, please take care of yourself and disengage, walk away and carry on with your day.  Let them know you are available later when they have calmed down and thought about things.

If you have a long history of the resentment cycle with your child, this will take some time to change.  It will require committment on your part and a strong belief that this is a better long term strategy for parenting (because short term it would be easier to give in and end the fighting).

SUMMER of LOVE coaching is designed to help with these kinds of issues and dynamics in your relationships at home.  Please call or e-mail if you have additional questions or feel like you could benefit from support in this arena.

As always, Good Luck and keep in touch.

Best, Lori

“I am concerned about my 16 year old son who has always done well in school and now his grades are terrible and he is doing very little.  This is creating a lot of tension between us and I am not sure what to do.  If I switch my focus away from his grades (and all the negative interactions we have about this) and back to my relationship with him, I am worried that I will miss the chance to help him do things now to improve his future.”

Can you relate to this?  The feeling is, I have to choose to either have a nice, smooth, non confrontational relationship with my child (and not deal with the hard issues that are freaking me out) or I have a contentious relationship where I continually harp on this area of poor performance and hope it has a positive impact (meanwhile we have no fun together and there is a lot of tension).

Here are the choices as I see them:

You can choose to PARENT OUT OF FEAR.  You are genuinely worried that your child is taking action now that will limit his future choices.  You can focus solely on this and have mostly negative interactions with your child because you feel you have to manage this for them and get them to see the error of their ways and why they need to buckle down and study right now.  You are perplexed by who they used to be (compliant, loved school, high performer) and who they are now (sullen, argumentative, ‘lazy’) and somehow this is not OK with you.  You want to restrict their social time and other privileges. You want your child to change and it is for their own good.

Or you can choose to PARENT OUT OF LOVE.  You are genuinely worried that your child is taking action now that will limit his future choices.  You can see that all of your ‘negative’ ways of interacting with him about this are not working.  You have neither of the things you want; your son’s high performance or a good strong relationship.  Everybody is unhappy.  This is the first, most important step…to realize that the harping, nagging, staying on him is not working.  This is a gift because now you can choose to do something different.

Before we talk about what that something different is, let me say one related important thing….all the time we, as parents, spend harping on our kids about grades (or whatever the issue is), we have no idea what else is happening for our child.  There could be all sorts of other pressures and confusing experiences they are having that they are way more concerned about (that could be health & safety issues) and we are the last people they would come to because we are a big negative for them right now.  If they feel like we are pissed off and disappointed in them, there is almost no chance they will talk about anything important with us.  And if we are so focused on the struggle about the grades, we might miss other changes in their mood, energy level, ways they interact with their friends…..basically we could miss something really important.

Doing something different is about believing that your job is to both address your concerns and do it in a way that preserves the love and trust and respect of the relationship between you.  It means you are not angry when you ask your child if they understand the potential consequences of their actions.  It means your do not judge them when you ask your son how he plans to get into a good college if he can’t turn assignments in 10^th grade history class.  It means that you speak to him with total respect as you help him anticipate the natural consequences of his behavior.  There is no reason to fight with your child because they have shown you that this won’t make any difference.  Your son or daughter has demonstrated they are not going to get good grades for you.  Now is the time to allow this to be their problem and not yours.  Here is the tricky part…..even though you have decided to let this be their problem, you might still decide that, as a good parent, you can’t just sit by and do nothing while they fritter away their high school years.  You may decide to impose some restrictions like…..you cannot go out on the weekend unless all of your assignments are turned in for the week. 

You are not fighting about this, you are parenting.  Because your child’s job is to go to school and the way the world works (and you are training your child to live in the world without you) is that everybody has to do their job.  So with love in your heart you are imposing an accountability measure that your child is unable to impose on him/herself.

Again, though, you are not mad.  You are not disappointed (I mean you might be but this is not what is directing your parenting), you are in reality.  And you can say to your child, “I will feel really bad for you if there are schools you want to go to that are off limits because of your grades.”  You will empathize with their disappointment.  But it is theirs.

In this case your child has shown you that they are going to get back to caring about school when they decide to care about school.  We honestly don’t know when that will be and if it will be in time to maintain their options.  But if you are sidetracked by this singular (non health and safety) issue, you may miss being a part of your child’s life in ways that are really important.  And I want you to find a way to FEEL the LOVE everyday.  You need it and so does your child.

We all love the summer and it arrives with such high expectations for fun and relaxation and warmth and unscheduled time and then……WHAM!!  What happens?  We are in the midst of lots of kid time that is unstructured, they can’t figure out their day, you want to get on with yours.  It is a beautiful sunny day and they are huddled inside watching TV.  They each want to go in a different direction and need you to get them there, right now!!  If you work outside the home then you are leaving the house and they are sleeping til….whenever!!  They are calling all day long, or not.  They are endlessly responding to texts and calls from friends and yet it takes hours for a plan to emerge.  They ask for sleepovers almost nightly and are tired and crabby the next day!!  Going places with the family is less and less what they want to do and it is hard to decide if you should force them to come along or make it easier on everyone and let them stay home.  As they get older they are out late every night and you are living more and more on opposite schedules………

Here’s the thing……even though this is all normal, it can be a real drag if you don’t feel some sense of control over your day and your own summer. If you allow your kids and their whacky rhythm to dictate how your days unfold you may find yourself frustrated and resentful of them.  And that would be a shame for both of you.

I am offering SUMMER SURVIVAL COACHING for parents this summer.

I will help you:

§         anticipate what the challenges will be

§         get clear about your expectations

§         make agreements with your tween/ teen about specific issues (TV time, cleaning up after themselves in the kitchen, allowance, curfew)

§         decide on the consequences for failing to live up to the agreements

Your child wants MORE FREEDOM and you want them to TAKE MORE RESPONSIBILITY for themselves and how they impact those around them.  So, you can negotiate with them in a way that gives them some of what they want (freedom) and you get some of what you want (responsibility) and the summer will be much more pleasant for everyone.

You and I will check in weekly (in person, on phone or e-mail) over the summer to see how the plan is working. I will coach you to communicate with your child in a way that gets both of you what you want without fighting and yelling.  This will be fun and you will learn so much and you will have a great summer!!

Please e-mail or call for details about scheduling, cost or to discuss if this is right for you.

I will be writing more about Summer issues in upcoming blogs so please stay in touch and share your thoughts with me.