Resources

“Uncommon Sense for

Parents with Teenagers”

By Michael Riera

When my oldest daughter was a 7^th grader I accidentally caught an Oprah show featuring Michael Riera. He was “working” 2 separate rooms of people; a group of teens in one and the parents of these teens in the other. To each group he spoke with equal measures of compassion/ understanding and hard nosed reality about the choices each group faces in this developmental phase of the parent-child relationship. He encouraged the parents to choose their battles carefully (maybe a clean bedroom is not the most important thing) and understand the intense desire for independence most kids seek as they hit the middle and high school years. To the kids he practically begged them to understand their parents’ reasonable concern for their safety…he insisted that it was just ‘smart’ of them to call home so their parents could know they were OK. He was direct and practical, had a great sense of humor and really got to the heart of the matter; health and safety.

So I went out and bought his book and, honestly, it was the only book I read on parenting teens and it changed my whole outlook on my role and how to shift my expectations and my focus. He writes the book for the high school years but I found it (even in the late 1990’s) very applicable to parenting a middle school tween.

He discusses topics; alcohol, drugs, sex, divorce, academics and dieting (to name a few). But, more importantly he talks about a different approach to parenting that allows for the possibility of enjoying, rather than dreading, adolescence.

Here are 3 examples of this approach that impacted my parenting:

Parent as a Consultant, not a Manager

When the kids are little, I am in charge of them. They go where I say, wear what I say, eat what I prepare etc. I am their manager. Making the shift to consultant requires that decisions start to be made by the child, themselves, as much as possible. My job is to ask the questions, suggest possible barriers that need to be considered, help my child think things through. If I am asked my opinion I should resist giving it although I found sharing my thought process (i.e. “here is how I would go about thinking this through, here is what I would be worried about”) was a good way to keep things moving and allow my child to come to their own conclusions.

Health and Safety is #1

The kids are exposed to an increasing amount of risk as they get older. They are trying to decipher a chaotic environment and their own changing body and mind. If we keep their health and safety at the top of the list, talk with them about it and weigh all the decisions we face against the backdrop of health and safety then maybe when they are old enough to drive they will have the clarity to NOT drink and drive. In other words if we yell and scream about keeping their room clean with the same intensity that we give to being mean and excluding people or lying about where they want to spend Friday night, then drinking and driving will not be any different than the other thousand things we nag about.

Embrace estrangement, let your child brood

The kids are heavily stimulated all day long. They are taking in and trying to decipher the social world of school, the dynamics of friendships, the pecking order of popularity, not to mention making grades, the soccer team, orchestra or a part in the school play. When they get home they need down time. They are not very interested in talking and they especially dread answering parents’ questions. We need to leave them alone and allow it, not take their silence personally. I remember having 3 kids in the backseat, driving around for hours to soccer practice, orthodontist, Hebrew school and feeling so lonely in the front seat…..not one of the kids interested in talking to me about their day. I would repeat this mantra, “let your child brood” and it helped.

All I can say is BUY THE BOOK!! It’s great.