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How to help your 11-19 year old recover from a BIG mistake!

THE FACTS:

Your child has just been caught:

§         Shoplifting

§         Stealing from a friend

§         Cheating off of another student’s work

§         Spreading lies about one friend to several others

§         Wrecking something they “borrowed” from a friend

§         Partying at a friend’s house while the friend and their family were out of town

The natural consequences he/she faces may include:

§         Legal action

§         Social embarrassment and/ or exclusion

§         Loss of job

§         Suspension from school or other activity (sport team, theater production)

THE RECOVERY:

PLAN FOR A SERIOUS CONVERSATION

§         Make a time to sit down and figure out what you are going to do.  Plan for at least 30 minutes. 

§         Insure you can have privacy and very few interruptions (no cell phone or texting during this meeting)

§         Your child can choose the time as long as you are clear it must be soon (be specific and make it within 48-72 hours so the intensity of things is fresh)

GIVE & EXPECT RESPECT

§         Your child is likely to be upset and they make take it out on you by speaking to you in a “tone” or saying “you are making them feel so bad about this” 

§         You speak to them in a calm, clear way and expect them to do the same

§         Do not tolerate sarcasm or disrespectful language at all

§         You might want them to remind them that you did not create the current situation but you are probably the only one who can really help them deal with it

GIVE THE PROBLEM BACK TO YOUR CHILD

§         When you begin this discussion ask your child how they want to proceed, what they see as the issues and what needs to be done to take full responsibility and make amends for what they have done

§         This is their problem and, while there may be important ways for you to help them resolve it, please don’t take it away from them and deprive them of understanding the impact of their behavior

§         Determine if there are other people in your child’s life (another parent or grandparent, sibling) who need to know what happened and decide who is going to tell them

EMPATHIZE AND BE CLEAR ABOUT WHAT YOU CAN/ CANNOT DO TO MAKE THINGS BETTER FOR THEM

§         Sometimes the natural consequences of a mistake are so harsh you, as the parent, will not have to punish your child and will genuinely hurt for and with them

§         There may be ways you would like to mitigate the impact of your child’s mistake but be very clear that while you can talk with people involved you cannot control what other people (especially if there are other kids involved) do when they find out what your child did

§         You role may simply be to help your child understand what is happening as a consequence of their ‘misdeed.’  For example, if they are socially excluded by kids who had been friends, they may need you to put into words what is happening and how bad it feels.  They may be so overwhelmed with shame and hurt they cannot talk about it.  They need help and you can provide this support to them.

CREATE A SPECIFIC PLAN

§         Make a plan that has specific actions to be taken, who does what and by when

§         When you have done the things you agreed to, be sure and let your child know how it went, what reaction it received and what comes next

§         Follow up with your child about what they agreed to do.  Expect them to do what they said they would or agree to a change….but please do not let things fall away with out some resolution.  This is where the learning occurs.  You want them to learn accountability.

NATURAL CONSEQUENCES

§         Decide if you, as the parent, need to impose some consequences for the mistake that was made

§         Try to have the “punishment fit the crime” so there is a correlation between freedom and responsibility in your child’s mind

§         For example, with an older child who drives, taking car privileges away is effective when the infraction is driving related

§         For younger kids, cell phones and iPods are privileges that symbolize maturity and freedom and when that has been ‘abused’ it is appropriate to take these away

MAKE A CONTRIBUTION

§         If you are not inclined towards a punishment but feel like something should happen to ‘repay a debt’ so to speak, have your child do something, make something, give something to someone as a gift

§         Kids can write (handwritten, at least 5 sentences) letters to a family member, put photos in an album, make dinner for the family, clean out a closet

§         If you decide that your child is going to contribute, take it as seriously as any other consequence….i.e. “here is what I expect and you can go out with your friends as soon as it is done.”  Follow through.  It’s everything.

If you want to talk about how to apply this model to a specific situation with your child, please feel free to contact me at lori@courageouscommunication.net.  I would be happy to discuss this with you.  Good Luck.

There are a few principles that guide how I parent.  I want to share them with you, as they will weave in and out of all the blogs to come.  Most of this I learned from Michael Riera’s book, “Uncommon Sense for Parents of Teens” (reviewed in the Resources section) and others I picked up from trusted friends and wise family members along the way.  This is what helped me stay rational and make better decisions even when I was really mad and/ or scared about something happening with the kids.

HEALTH & SAFETY IS #1

When my kids entered middle school I could see their exposure to everything (alcohol, drugs, sexuality, risky behaviors) increased exponentially.  This meant what I defined as a safety issue needed to be readjusted.  So, even though this sounds extreme, I thought of H&S as including the following: pregnancy, STD’s, rape, getting arrested, hurting someone else, being hurt and death.  This meant that when trying to decide about what activities were appropriate for my child to engage in, I would put it up against the H&S standard as a starting place.  The kids became familiar with the language, “Well, this is (or is not) a health and safety issue.”  And then the ‘discussion’ (mostly me talking) would flow from there.  It made things like our morning fights about what to wear, brushing hair and teeth, bedtime and TV shows seem a little less critical.  They were in a bigger context now and, as such, we could stop fighting about them as if they were life and death.

PARENT AS CONSULTANT (no longer a Manager)

If I have 7 years (6-12^th grades) to teach my child to live in the world without me then my main job is to teach them to be independent thinkers who use good judgment and treat people well.  The parent as manager is a controlling and telling function based on ‘I know what is best for you.’  The tweens and teens have a huge need to begin to think for themselves and we actually want them to do this too!! 

Of course their judgment is not that great at first so they need guidance, someone to sit alongside them and ask, “have you thought about what you will do if this happens?”  Basically your job switches from knowing what is best for your child and making that happen to listening to them as they try and decide what they want for themselves (classes to take, clothes to wear, friends to have over) and how to get it.  They may occasionally ask your opinion and freak out when you give it.  This is why good consultants often answer a question with a question, like “what shoes do you think look best with that outfit?”

NATURAL CONSEQUENCES

Kids who are 11-19 years old don’t believe many things their parents tell them.  I mean I didn’t, did you?  They learn through experience, making mistakes and experiencing the consequences of those mistakes.  I love this aspect of parenting….helping your kids (as a consultant would do) anticipate the consequences of their actions and make a conscious choice they are willing to take the risk to proceed with whatever.  This can be anything from missing a day of school on test day to quitting the swim team to dropping an old friend for a new one.  It is all learning material and our kids need to see the impact their actions have on the world around them. 

These are huge topics and each will be explored in future blogs.  I will share more guiding principles but these are the top 3!!

Like most of the parents I knew I was absolutely terrified of my child entering middle school. I was buried in my own memories of bizarre relationships, misinformation about sex and bodily functions and mixed messages from adults about what mattered. I sum up my experience in middle school with this one memory: in 7th grade girls were sent home from school for wearing skirts that were too short, in 8th grade we were sent home for wearing skirts that were too long. In both cases we were told that our clothing created too much of a distraction for the boys. Need I say more?

So the day I went to the Open House for our neighborhood middle school I expected to see a slew of depressed, bitter and burned out teachers who were there (DUH!) because they couldn’t get a job in a high school or teaching sweet elementary school kids. Surely these must be the folks who meant to transfer out but just couldn’t get it together and so were stuck in this particular form of hell on earth…………the middle school. I was prepared to bite my lip, hold my breath and pray for the full 3 years. I repeatedly reminded myself that I had survived this phase of childhood, as had my parents, and chances were good we all would too. I did not imagine even one moment of joy.

It is not an exaggeration to say I was shocked when the folks doing the presentation about this school were warm and welcoming and excited about the possibility we would send our children to their school so they could spend three years together. The principal, counselors and a few teachers all spoke with great empathy and understanding about the complexities of this time in life and what they were prepared to do to assist our kids to grow and learn during these years.
Are you kidding me? Where were the statistics on drug use, petty theft, teen pregnancies and suspension rates? Why weren’t they warning us about violence on campus, bullying and previously good students flunking out?

It was on that day that I had to consider for the very first time something that had not crossed my mind before…they actually like these kids. This group of teachers and administrators were at this school by choice.

This was the beginning of my education about parenting teens. I saw the joy these educators felt for the kids they worked with day in and out and I realized that I could make that choice too. I could actually decide I was going to like these kids (my own and their friends) and get to know them as much as they would allow. I now had begun to consider a whole new paradigm for parenting and even consider a new identity as a mom who… actually liked these kids.