Hello Everyone,
It has been quite some time since my last ‘blog’ posting. During these months I have learned a lot, both from excellent books and in conversation with many of you. You shared your concerns, fears and stress as the parent of a teen and allowed me to coach you on how to understand and respond to these important, surprising and complex issues in a new way. You changed in both your understanding and your parenting and, as a result, some positive changes happened in your relationships.
Many thanks for all I have learned from you about courage and communication.And the power of love and acceptance. And clarity and strength.
I am thinking about you, now, as a new school year begins and there is so much happening in our world. I recently remembered a wonderful book written almost 20 years ago titled, “All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten.” Robert Fulghum, the author, was a local minister at a Unitarian Church and he wrote, in a thoughtful and playful way, about the basics of sharing, being kind, not cutting in line etc. and how they are the foundation for happy, healthy relationships, even in our adult world. Similarly, there are many times throughout the week when I hear myself say, “this is just like parenting teenagers…….”
So, I have decided to do some writing about this and see if it resonates with all of you.
The assumption required here is that, AS YOU PARENT YOUR TEEN (and this continues to be true as I parent my 3 young adults), YOU ARE LEARNING. You are open to learning, know it’s necessary to keep learning and you understand you will have more empathy for your teen, who you expect to learn a lot, if you are also engaged in the learning process.
Here is why….learning requires a willingness to be open and vulnerable in a way that might be uncomfortable. This is true if you take a math class or a cooking class and it is true when you parent. Especially a teen
Just to say this in a different way……you expect your teen to be learning a lot. Academically, socially, emotionally. This is awkward and uncomfortable, in some ways, for most kids. It requires that they experience feelings and consequences and situations they have no idea how to handle.
As a parent, you will be able to understand, empathize and, eventually, influence your child more, if you are also aware of how awkward and uncomfortable you feel in some aspects of this leg of your journey. If you don’t feel vulnerable and out of your comfort zone, at least some of the time, it will be hard to ‘be there’ for your teen.
In the coming days and weeks I hope to share with you some specific examples of how this looks in everyday life. I want to encourage you to see yourself as a learner…….and to know that, just when you are most frustrated having the same fight with your teen for the 40th time and wishing he could just “get it”, is often the time when YOU need to learn the most.
Here’s the best part…..if you are willing to learn a new approach to an old problem, you are way more likely to get what you want. No more fight. You changed. Your teen learns something new.
Stay in touch. Be well. Lori